hey there..its about 10 o'clock on a wednesday night and i have been awake for..just about 40 hours now..welcome back insomnia..it's been a while..can't say i've missed you much tho
ohhh i'm getting so sick of my life
the only positive i have is **SAM**
and god i love him .. it's getting way past an unhealthy OBSESSION
we've gotten alot closer, and i should be so happy and somewhere i am
somewhere inside i am happy, im thrilled, im whole, MY LIFE MATTERS AGAIN..great ..another reason to live..
but there's this overwhealming fear of rejection and heartbreak that controls my mind now
i think it's because i've gone through it so many times with him, up and down and back and fourth and tho the 'ups' are worth every minute of the pain i go through..i'm still wondering how much worse the next drop will be.
every time we fight it gets worse and worse..and my fits and/or episodes just keep on getting deeper. and now sam is learning my weaknesses..he knows exactly where to hit to really hurt me..exactly what to say to bring me back to my breakdowns
and i hate that he would do that to me
as angry as i get and however 'out of control' i think about what i say and there are ceratin things i could never say because I DONT want to see him hurt..
but i really think he wants to see me hurt, he likes to feel control over me and i let him have it..he knows he can affect me and i just let it happen cause im a bitch and i love him too much to fight it.
so we are definately close ..sex has once again, came back into the picture
and it really just brings a whole nother emotional level..i know im ready to be intimate with him but i think he just likes to be physical and its not wrong of him..it just tells me maybe hes not ready..and maybe we shouldnt be getting to far..
but maybe im paranoid and he really does love me..like he says oh yeah..note that..HE SAYS IT..and somehow..it hurts to hear
i must be crazy right?? he tells me he loves me and of course i believe him..
but thats the thing, ??should i believe him??, i know that i can, i know that hes honest, but im completely terrified that i'll just fall soo deeply again and we will fight and he'll say fuck you, or he'll tell me he hates me, or that "it's over", or that he doesn't care about me anymore, or he just doesn't feel the same, or that things will never be good between us......yeah you know those kinds of things that he likes to engrave into my head..over and over he says them and it KILLS me
so i need to start processing the whole "i love you" concept because it just feels so strange to hear after all those other things that were said..and after all that time of fighting and it had been soo long since he had said it.
so i guess it just doesnt feel the same anymore, because for some reason, the feelings are there and the love is there but the connection isn't
and every night i pray it will come back, because this love is too strong to be wasted away, i just want to feel like i did before and for some reason it doesnt seem possible
but listen to be blabbing away..complaint after complaint..way to be optimistic, huh? i'm so sick of losing my mind, and i've been so tired lately but i can't sleep. all i want to do is talk to sam or be with sam..and its not even all about obsessing over him..hes just all that i care about in life. i have no intrests anymore
i neeeeeeeed help but im too proud to ask for it so it looks like im just gonna soak in my mysery until i can get over myself and talk to someone or something.but as of now..it is 10:30 and that is my time limit for computer use..ohh dad..he sure tries doesn't he. but i give him credit..he's stepped up his father role a great deal since last year..but he's still got some learning to do..a little growing up as well
and poor nikki..my little sister..i think she's starting to get depressed..i want to help her but i dont know how to talk to her..i hope she doesn't start to get sad, she's a good person with a pure heart, i dont want to let anyone fuck that up for her cause not many of us are blessed with a good heart
some of us are just bitches and careless and selfish..just basically cold ..so i guess thats me..and i'm feeling pretty empty right now..i wish i had something to do..im not gonna sleep so i need to keep occupied..
maybe i'll draw some pictures..tell myself that i'm artistic and just let my imagination run wildddd..my minds already in such a strange state...not really explainable..but its not the best feeling..i sorta really feel like shit and its a pain.
i'm getting used to it tho..goodnight