Log in

No account? Create an account
back again   
10:07pm 21/04/2004
mood: exhausted

hey there..its about 10 o'clock on a wednesday night and i have been awake for..just about 40 hours now..welcome back insomnia..it's been a while..can't say i've missed you much tho

ohhh i'm getting so sick of my life
the only positive i have is **SAM**
and god i love him .. it's getting way past an unhealthy OBSESSION
we've gotten alot closer, and i should be so happy and somewhere i am
somewhere inside i am happy, im thrilled, im whole, MY LIFE MATTERS AGAIN..great ..another reason to live..
but there's this overwhealming fear of rejection and heartbreak that controls my mind now
i think it's because i've gone through it so many times with him, up and down and back and fourth and tho the 'ups' are worth every minute of the pain i go through..i'm still wondering how much worse the next drop will be.
every time we fight it gets worse and worse..and my fits and/or episodes just keep on getting deeper. and now sam is learning my weaknesses..he knows exactly where to hit to really hurt me..exactly what to say to bring me back to my breakdowns
and i hate that he would do that to me
as angry as i get and however 'out of control' i think about what i say and there are ceratin things i could never say because I DONT want to see him hurt..
but i really think he wants to see me hurt, he likes to feel control over me and i let him have it..he knows he can affect me and i just let it happen cause im a bitch and i love him too much to fight it.
so we are definately close ..sex has once again, came back into the picture
and it really just brings a whole nother emotional level..i know im ready to be intimate with him but i think he just likes to be physical and its not wrong of him..it just tells me maybe hes not ready..and maybe we shouldnt be getting to far..
but maybe im paranoid and he really does love me..like he says oh yeah..note that..HE SAYS IT..and somehow..it hurts to hear

i must be crazy right?? he tells me he loves me and of course i believe him..

but thats the thing, ??should i believe him??, i know that i can, i know that hes honest, but im completely terrified that i'll just fall soo deeply again and we will fight and he'll say fuck you, or he'll tell me he hates me, or that "it's over", or that he doesn't care about me anymore, or he just doesn't feel the same, or that things will never be good between us......yeah you know those kinds of things that he likes to engrave into my head..over and over he says them and it KILLS me

so i need to start processing the whole "i love you" concept because it just feels so strange to hear after all those other things that were said..and after all that time of fighting and it had been soo long since he had said it.

so i guess it just doesnt feel the same anymore, because for some reason, the feelings are there and the love is there but the connection isn't

and every night i pray it will come back, because this love is too strong to be wasted away, i just want to feel like i did before and for some reason it doesnt seem possible

but listen to be blabbing away..complaint after complaint..way to be optimistic, huh? i'm so sick of losing my mind, and i've been so tired lately but i can't sleep. all i want to do is talk to sam or be with sam..and its not even all about obsessing over him..hes just all that i care about in life. i have no intrests anymore

i neeeeeeeed help but im too proud to ask for it so it looks like im just gonna soak in my mysery until i can get over myself and talk to someone or something.but as of now..it is 10:30 and that is my time limit for computer use..ohh dad..he sure tries doesn't he. but i give him credit..he's stepped up his father role a great deal since last year..but he's still got some learning to do..a little growing up as well

and poor nikki..my little sister..i think she's starting to get depressed..i want to help her but i dont know how to talk to her..i hope she doesn't start to get sad, she's a good person with a pure heart, i dont want to let anyone fuck that up for her cause not many of us are blessed with a good heart

some of us are just bitches and careless and selfish..just basically cold ..so i guess thats me..and i'm feeling pretty empty right now..i wish i had something to do..im not gonna sleep so i need to keep occupied..

maybe i'll draw some pictures..tell myself that i'm artistic and just let my imagination run wildddd..my minds already in such a strange state...not really explainable..but its not the best feeling..i sorta really feel like shit and its a pain.

i'm getting used to it tho..goodnight

     Read 1 - Post
09:33pm 21/04/2004
Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates anine
your best quality isyoure loyal
your worst quality isyoure vulnerable
this is becauseyou were born this way
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!
08:42am 31/03/2004
mood: artistic
GODDDDDD i just want to CUTTT and rip my FUCKING SKIN TO BLEED but i cant because if anyone see's anything im just ashamed and i shouldnt even fucking care but i do and i dont want that attention and i dont want to be looked at like im crazy
im not fucking crazy..im aware
and no one understands that..all the stupid fake bitches laugh and smile like they know whats going on and they have no fucking clue
i feel so dead...im in so much pain
*yeah you bleed just to know you're alive*
yeah i want that proof
this is so fucked up, i need something im just gonna take some fucking pain killers and hope to go numb
maybe ill just cut somewhere else, nothing feels as good and my wrist, nothing is as satisfying and nothing looks as beautiful
long time-no talk huh !!   
08:08am 31/03/2004
  wow..its definately been a while..i forgot how fucked up my head used to be
well i duno about using that in past tense..but yeah i had some definate issues going on
not long after i wrote all that i actually went into the hospital for trying to kill myself.
it was a bad night, i got arrested and i was TRASHED with angela chloe and chrissy..god i'm not even FRIENDS with those girls anymore. well i still talk to angela and chloe but me and chrissy dont get along..after she fucked james when he was with devon..that slut
oh well..she doesnt bother me anymore
and sam and i got back together..after i came out of the hospital we started to talk again..mainly because he was the only one who really cared that i was gone. GOD i love that kid. we were together all summer and most of this school year..THEN the fucking dick cheated on me
with gina pulcinela..i went crazy..it had been so long since id touched my wrist and i started cutting again..bad desicion *I KNOW* but everything about him affects me soo much
honestly, i still havent forgiven him for that, he really broke my fucking heart and spit right on it. he even lied to me about it first..broke up with me and didnt tell me what happend for two weeks..i was so fucking mad cause i had an idea at first and i asked him..and he strait lied like nothing between us mattered enough to be honest
i cant believe he did that to me..not just betrayed me and cheated on me but LIED about it
god i duno if ill ever forgive him for that but we have tried to work things out, that was a while ago..like november..but it never left my mind. we talk again and we even went back out but things havent been the same, ever. we dont say "i love you" anymore, i dont think he does love me. it kills me to imagine my life without him and i had to go thru that pain so many times, off and on. since he cheated on me we've broken up and gotten back to gether so many times and all it does it fuck with my head
i want to know if we will last..i want to know if this will work because i feel like i could be wasting so much time. no doubt, i love him and i would "waste" all the time in the world to keep trying, but it really HURTS me so badly and i need to start taking a stand for myself. everything between us has changed and i was to fall back in love
i want the feelings there between both of us, but you cant force that so i just have to wait
but i dont know how long i can put up with the insecurities and the ups and downs
i understand that relationships arent perfect and theyre are ups and downs..but if my heart breaks and my mind breaks every time..something needs to change
so my outlook on life really changed after being in the hospital..i really did think that i was going crazy..until i realized that it was all in my head and i can control it.
i just wish i knew how, i think treatment may be needed again soon
i stopped going to see suzanne..my therapist..she doesnt help all she did was teach me breathing techniques..i mean im human, i know how to fucking breath, i need HELP in the head not the damn lungs
after the hospital i went to american day, which was a replacement for school for about a week..just a transitional stage but it was the most helpful and im thinking about going back but id be embarressed to admit myself..but im not gonna go back to the hospital that was hell..i dont want to
school is getting too hard..its too stressful i cant go anymore it drives me insane
spring break is in 2 days tho..thank god..i really need this break
but sam is going to california !! i wont see him and im gonna miss him so much..he'll have so much fun tho california must be a great place
id love to be anywhere but here
i need someone to talk to ..sam doesnt listen anymore i dont think he cares
i just tried to talk to him about being upset cause iv been getting so depressed lately and iv been off my meds for a while now, and he doesnt care to listen anymore he used to be so compationate and understanding and im just a bore to him now
im losing it i think i need a new relationship or a new friend i need to start over
maybe ill move
09:19pm 24/02/2003
  yes its been a verry long time..im starting to miss my old life more than anything. everything is so crazy now with parents and life and everything! my parents found out that i was smoking weed, and drinking, they just dont realize that its such a normal thing for this age group, and im not getting into any trouble. but i am with them now. nothing is good. they also saw my cuts..im so damn ashamed..i know it broke both of their hearts and i hate to be the one to hurt someone else. so now i will be going thru all types of hectic therapy and all those kinds of things. i kind of wanna try to go on anti-depressants. im sick of being sad all the time

..and i miss sam more than anything..

no one really knows tho, some one my close friends can just tell i think, but he doesnt. and its not out in the open. but i just cant seem to let go
i honestly in my heart believe that we could make it work again. my love for him is so amazingly strong..its more than anything ihave ever felt..stronger than any pain or anger inside myself..its so crazy that i cant let go.
wouldnt most people want to have that from someone?? i know i would

but people dont seem to be capable of loving me, i wish i knew what it was, maybe i try to hard. i just wish i could have him again or just have another chance. even if it wasnt a serious relationship at all...to be held in his arms..just once more..would make me feel complete..atleast for the time being. but my love life is a pathetic loss..reminds me of the song "arms of the angel" by sarah mcglachlin(i cant spell)
and how i use "the arms of the angel" or any kind of sexual or drug related escape to release any painful thoughts i have about him.

and cheerleading season is almost lover :'(
i used to say i was holding out till the end of cheerleading..to end it all..but i dont know if im feeling right about that anymore
suicide scares me in so many ways..it just seems like the only way to fix where i am right now
so cheerleading ends march 2nd...its our last competition and its central league !! we went to nationals last weekend in florida
it was so much fun..but we did so bad in our routine..it was upsetting and dissapointing but what can you do.
well im gonna go finish some homework...i was ineligable last quarter and couldnt cheer for quite some time..no way will i let that happen again..it was hell
09:18pm 24/02/2003
  i miss sam  
02:55pm 27/08/2002
mood: bouncy
hey ! its been a while since i wrote in here...im back up between about 110-115..its horrible..but im working on it again..i started to give up a little while ago. i was happy w/ myself because of sam, we were perfect, i loved him more then anything..and nothign else ever mattered...but its all gone now..i guess thats what happens, u give a guy ur heart..he'll start off holding it close..then begin to toss it around for a while..sooner or later itll drop..and shatter all over the floor. he was my world, my everything, and then he just took it all away in a breath. im so unhappy now..my life is completely empty and drained of all love.

but other then that ...
high school starts in 8 days !!! im so nervous !! we'll be the easy target freshman for every1 to pick on !! haha but im sure it wont be too bad..and im on cheerleading, varsity im so excited the first game is in 3 days !! wish me luck !!

ugh things are crazy now..everything is..i duno who my real friends are..and for the ones who do seem to be my closest friends, i duno if they are the people i wanna hang out w/ ! iv started smoking and it grosses me out so much ! i mean its alot of fun...but its not me...im not like that
me and sam are friends again, im really happy cuz he always started out as my best friend and i loved him for as long as i can remember as a friend...hes the best...if i could only still have him to hold...!! i miss it s0o much !! i was never in love like that be4 !! i even tried to take mylife when i lost him...because i thought if he was my life..then he was gone..i was as good as dead anyway right? well i duno, im lost tho
so lost in this world ! well mariah's new album is coming out december 10th !! i CAN NOT WAIT !!! haha that gives me somthign to wanna live for..i at least have to hear her new cd !
well there are some new male faces in my life..lol theres this guy who i kinda like..and im not sure if he likes me but he sure acts like it...hed be a pretty cool boyfriend or at least a coolg uy to hang out w/...I WANT SAM THO !! but i cant have him anymore ! he says his love for me is dead now..and im dead to him..ouch ! it all hurts so much !! well im off to cheerleading practice ! pictures tonight !! t2yl
~~~me !
10:22pm 13/05/2002
  106 !!! feelin s0o much better  
05:28pm 10/05/2002
  sams ashamed of me, thats what its gotta be...cuz around ppl, and his friends...everything changes..its hard tho..i duno how 2 handle it or what to think about it all...i need some help or advice or reasurance or somthing, everything w/ him is so weird i dont even know what to think at all and it really hurts ! and knowin hes out last night havin fun and gettin high...is hard 2 take considering i broke down w/ no one to talk 2 and no where to go..i ended up doin and saying things i regretted and now i cant take them back..cuz some things are permanent but ppl dont care ne way...and something s0o great happend to me today, i made the high school varsity cheerleading team as a freshman going in...such a big acomplishment for me and i cant even feel the smallest bit of happyness or anything...im completely drained and empty and its really startin 2 hurt. fakin everything and putting on the whole act gets harder and harder and i duno how long i can continue w/ it. i feel so empty that when i actually pop pills...it feels like they are the only things inside...back up to 110 and its hell..i have to lose 7 and then ill see how i feel w/ that...if its not good enough im gonna keep going...i cant even take this  
06:41pm 14/04/2002
  5'6" 3/4
108 pounds
almost there
almost happy?
07:06pm 18/02/2002
  things are s0o crazy right now..specially with my mom ! she compares me 2 my little sister way t0o much ! its always like...im just not good enough and i never will be ! and theres nothin i can do...and shes s0o immature she cant even take time away from her wonderful life 2 even pretend 2 care about her daughter and get her help ! well iv lost 4 pounds ! yess !! lol very proud, just hope i can keep it off and lose more !! i really need 2 start working out but i just dont have the time ! but once track season starts everything should be better in the exorsize part ! yup im actually in a pretty good mood i duno why..s0o much bad shit goin on i should be down but im not ! but hey i shouldnt be complainin right? yup s0o im real confused about my boyfriend..i dont think he likes me very much but friends say he really does..hes just got a bad way of showin it i guess..and its like such a typical middle school relationship we have..and i hate it..i wanna spend more time w/ him but then i duno cuz i duno how i feel about him anymore..and iv really been havin mixed feelins about this other guy who is like my best friend..but i think i like him more then that but we are both taken s0o things right now are just friends and all s0o yeah ! uhu well i got a really g0od website from this girl who commented *thanx* i got some g0od tips so im glad i can start more seriously !! yup well i duno what 2 really say s0o ill t2yl k muah
<3ya ! byebye
     Read 5 - Post
10:12pm 18/12/2001
  hey ! this is my first entry ! this journal is kinda a secret...i had one before but some people kinda found me i think so i erased it and gotta new one !! yup but i will be careful in here no1 can find me ! yea well ill start w/ one of my biggest problems...my figure !! its so gross !! ppl tell me im like perfect but i know it is not true !!! im about 5'6" and about 115 pounds...i know its a little less then average or somthin like that...but i gain and lose alot throughout the day and its all weird and i need 2 lose weight but i cant do it !! im so weak !! i try 2 fast...and it just is so hard !!! i mean how hrad is it...dont eat !! god it takes less enery just 2 not eat but i cannot do it !!! somthings wrong and i used 2 purge but i cant do that anymore i just feel so uncomfortable w/ it...and i hate hate hate hate hate it !!!! errr so stressed. and all my friends are perfect !! skinny, petite little figure err its so hard !! my best friend is tiny and weighs nothing ! its not fair why cant i be like that?? i duno i duno but any1 have any tips or anythin??? anythin 2 help me out in anyway...maybe dieting tips or fasting tips 4 me anything will do !! alright well thanks ill w/b later
luv u !
     Read 5 - Post